You Have One New Voicemail
by AuthorandArtist13
Summary: Told through various voicemails and text messages, we dig through the humorous depths of Clint and Peter's biggest mistake: pranking Natasha. An exhasperated Tony's phone is flooded with emails from Steve, eulogies from Peter, and calls from Pepper asking him what the hell happened. This is the last time he leaves for a meeting without some decent ground rules.
1. You Have One New Voicemail

**A/N: Hey guys! This is just a oneshot I wrote on a whim the other day. I really like writing in the "reading from various records" style of writing-it's a great way to practice showing how people feel without actually saying it. (You know, like panicked dialogue vs. "he said in a panic.") I also find it hilarious! Please review and let me know what you thought of it, if you'd like to see more, etc. etc. **

**Also a quick thank-you to all your positive messages so far! You've fueled me through finals week and right into summer, lol. ;D**

**Okay, let's get to it.**

* * *

_You have one new voicemail from: The Kid._

_"U-uh, heyyy, Mr. Stark. So you know how you told me that pranking Ms. Romanoff was a bad idea? Well, um, I might have…erm…done it anyways? And now she's gonna murder me, and—oh sHIT she's right here gotta go!"_

* * *

_You have six new messages from: The Kid._

The Kid: Mr. Stark send help

The Kid: No seriously Mr. Stark I'm hiding in the air ducts

The Kid: Clint's up here with me

The Kid: This whole prank thing was his idea, so now we're gonna die like men together.

The Kid: Like terrified, sobbing men

The Kid: But rlly pls send help I think she's got a bloodhound after us

* * *

_Email from: Steve Rogers to: Tony Stank_

Dear Tony,

I have been hearing some weird noises in the ceiling lately. I've tried asking FRIDAY, but she insists there is nothing wrong with her interface—whatever that is. Could you just come over as soon as possible to check it out? I know you're still upset over the raccoon incident, but Clint promised to stop hiding Bucky's Girl Scout cookies up there, so I'm sure it can't be that. Anyways, I hope I haven't accidentally made this another group email again. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Steve Rogers.

* * *

_One outgoing voicemail to: Natasha Romanoff from: Tony Stark_

_"Hey, Nat. 'S Tony. I've been getting bombarded with messages on a prank Clint and the Kid pulled? Just…don't scare Peter too much. And kick Clint's ass for me. Buh-bye."_

* * *

_You have two new messages from: Legolas_

Legolas: Tony, did you send Nat after my scent?!

Legolas: The raccoon thing was ONE TIME! I'm _SORRY!_

* * *

_You have one incoming Facetime request from: Nat_

_"Tony, Tony, look at this. Look at them. I can't believe they got themselves wedged that far in the ducts! I think Clint's gonna pee his pants. Hang on, I'll call you back after I get 'em."_

* * *

_One live call from: Tony Stark to: Angry Green Rage Monster_

"Bruce! Bruce, get up, you have to come see this."

"Wha-? What the heck, Tony? What do you want?"

"Nat's getting back at Clint and Peter for a prank and it's the best thing since sliced bread. You gotta come and see it, Brucie."

"Don't call me that. And I'm _sleeping_. _Nrghhh._ You know I was up in the lab for three days straight."

"Aw, come on! If I can make it, so can you!"

"I'm hanging up, Tony."

"Oh, come on, ple—"

"Good-bye."

_The call has been ended by the receiver._

* * *

_You have one voicemail from: The Kid _

_"This is my goodbye message for Tony Stark and all else who know me. Consider it a thank-you, and an apology. I—Clint, stop laughing, you're gonna give us away—I was deeply unaware that my actions would befall such grievous consequences upon myself and my comrade, who is in hiding with me as we speak. I am aware I have left much unsaid, and so I have decided to pull a few weights from my weary shoulders. Mr. Stark, you're a great mentor. Steve, you and Bucky are so cool together. Aunt May, Ned, uh…okay, yeah, MJ, you too—love you all so much. You're great. And, um…oh yeah—Mrs. Potts, you make a mean lasagna." _A sigh, and then a mumbled,_ "And I still think Thor's hot."_

* * *

TonyStark: Okay, what did they do?

Nat_Widow: What?

TonyStark: What did those two twerps do to get you so pissed off?

Nat_Widow: Ah. Well, when I woke up this morning, a bucket of spoiled mayonnaise was spilled over my head.

TonyStark: Huh.

Nat_Widow: Uh-huh. So I figure I'll get them back, hm?

TonyStark: Agreed. Ol' Legolas needs to learn a lesson. Just last week he shot an arrow through my last caramel latte.

TonyStark: But what are you thinking?

Nat_Widow: Oh, nothing much.

Nat_Widow: Keep 'em on edge. A little scare tactic here and there.

Nat_Widow: Just enough to keep them terrified for a few weeks.

TonyStark: Send pictures.

Nat_Widow: But of course.

* * *

Dear Tony,

I am emailing you again in regards to the odd noises coming from what I can only presume were the air ducts. See, they have suddenly stopped. I'm not sure exactly why or how, to be honest. I was just reading the paper to Bucky and then the next thing I know, there's this unmanly, high-pitched scream, and a couple of thumps. Scared Bucky and I half to death for a second there. But anyways, I wonder if someone has been living up there? Maybe I should just ask Nat.

Sincerely,

Steve Rogers

P.S. Please inform FRIDAY to stop referring to me solely as "Capsicle."

* * *

_You_ _have 3 new images and 1 message from Nat_Widow. _

Nat_Widow: Here you go. Hope the look on these two idiots' faces is good enough for you.

* * *

_You have one incoming voicemail from: Honey Bear_

"Hey, Tones, it's Rhodey. Um, I'm just gonna get right to the point. Why is Peter curled up in a ball under my coffee table? He keeps whispering, I dunno, "big mistake," over and over again? What the hell did you do to him? Ugh. Just come and get your kid, okay? And maybe start answering your phone. Okay. Buh-bye."

* * *

"Tony? Tony, thank God."

"Pep? What's going on, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, honey. But you might want to get back down to the compound."

"What? Pepper, if something happened…"

"Calm down. It's Clint. He's gotten himself—why are you laughing?"

"Nothing, nothing. He's done what now?"

"Wedged himself in the_ A_ of the Avengers Compound sign. You know, the sign that's on the twelfth floor. Refuses to get down."

"He_ what?"_

"Uh-huh. We keep trying to convince him Nat's not going to rip him apart, but he insists she's 'just waiting.' The press are already here, and so's the fire department, much to Fury's chagrin. Listen, I don't know what happened to make him lose it like this, but please just come home and talk some sense into him."

"What, after all the pestering about me going to this, and I quote, 'crucially important meeting' from you?"

"Yes."

"Alright, alright. Is it really that bad?"

"Oh, I'm undermining it for you."

"Well, shit. I take one day—_one_—away for a meeting in LA and everything falls apart. Do you know how many times Steve's formally emailed me?"

"Don't get too cocky, it's just because I didn't show up until dinner."

"Ooh, touché. Can it be a little bit because of my absence?"

"It can be twelve percent because of your absence."

* * *

**STRATEGIC HOMELAND INTERVENTION, ENFORCEMENT AND LOGISTICS DIVISION**

**WASHINGTON, D.C.**

**OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR**

August 03, 2018

_From the desk of Nick Fury: _

_Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division_

_Washington, D.C._

To whom it may concern:

The incident last Wednesday involving Mr. Barton and Ms. Romanoff has been thoroughly investigated, and, as such, no pressed charges or further action will be necessary. Mr. Barton has finally agreed to move from his roost, and the other involved parties have been sworn to frightened silence by Ms. Romanoff. No injuries were obtained, other than several psychological scars that, quite frankly, Messrs. Parker and Barton probably needed anyways.

In other news, the fire department's services are no longer necessary, and Col. Rhodes begs they go away and stop eating his secret stash of donuts.

Sincerely,

Nicholas Fury

Director (S.H.E.I.L.D.)

* * *

**A/N: Is it just me, or is Fury 100% done with this bunch of idiots? **

**Thank ye so very much for reading, and if you enjoyed, please take a moment to review! (I know I push that a bit, but only because I feed off of your constructive criticism, lol.) Happy summer, happy reading, and I hope you have a fabulous day. :) **


	2. You Have One New Letter

**A/N: Heyo! This is a ~tiny~ little follow-up chapter to what was originally a oneshot. Basically we get to see Fury's reaction to finding out that his ridiculous team has created yet more unnecessary trouble, aka the usual. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Boss?"

"Yes?"

"We have a situation at the Avengers Compound."

Nick Fury sighed and looked up from his monitor at Maria Hill. To be fair, what he was doing wasn't exactly a pressing matter—playing Galaga never truly is—but when you're beating your high score after a day of political paperwork, it very well might be. Besides, the words "_situation_" and "_Avengers_" never ended with a tea party.

"What kind of a situation?"

"Agent Barton's lodged himself in the sign."

Fury blinked. "Say that again."

"Apparently he and Mr. Parker were getting payback from Agent Romanoff, and he freaked."

"Do I want to know why?"

"Prank gone awry."

"Prank gone awry…" Fury rubbed at his temples. Leave it to those two to screw something up on his break. "Is there something I'm supposed to do about it?"

"Well, the public is finding it hilarious. So's the fire department."

"The _fire department."_ Fury's voice was barely above an exasperated whisper. He glanced over at Hill before sighing and closing his one good eye, rubbing his forehead. Part of him was hoping—against his better judgment—that if he did absolutely nothing, someone else would take care of it. But no, when did that ever work out for him? He opened his eye again to see Hill watching him.

"Sir? Would you like me to dispatch a response team, or…?"

"No. No response teams. Where's Stark? Why isn't he handling this bullshit?"

"A meeting in LA, sir. He's actually sent two emails to you already."

Fury opened them and furrowed his eyebrows as he read.

* * *

_Dear Fury,_

_I was going to send you an old-fashioned letter by owl post, since I figured you'd cipher out how to open that sooner. Yeah, don't think I didn't see that pager on your belt loop last time you came over for a chat. If you wanted some tech, I'm begging you, just ask. _

_Anyways, for the love of God, PLEASE go figure out what's going on at the Compound. Do you have any idea how many eulogy texts I've gotten? I can't get home until late tonight, and from what I've heard, Nat is seeing red. _

_-Tony_

* * *

Fury closed that email and opened the next one.

* * *

_Dear Fury,_

_Are you ignoring me because of the Tasmanian devil thing? I swear I meant it as a _friend_, lighten up. Listen, I would deal with this if I could, but I cannot, and since Steve's charm isn't forcing the reporters away, we're going to have to use your lack thereof. Sorry, it's true. Just go deal with this nuisance you created. _

_-Tony (Stark, the guy who pays for everything and makes everyone look good.)_

* * *

"He thinks _he_ makes everyone look good?" Fury muttered, closing that email as well and spinning to face Hill.

"Sir?" Dammit. There was a hint of a smirk crossing her features.

"Nothing," Fury said. He clenched and unclenched his fists a few times. "Do I have charm?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Hypothetical question. Do I have charm?"

"Well…" Hill was obviously choosing her next words very carefully. "I wouldn't say you are necessarily _plagued_ with it."

"Would you say I had enough, to, say, scare away some lousy reporters?"

Hill laughed. "The words "_charm_" and_ "scare away"_ don't usually mix, sir."

"Touché." Fury turned back to his computer. "Go to the Compound for me—alone, no one else,_ no response teams_—and sort this out, will you? I have a delightful email to compose for the Board."

Maria strode off with a curt nod, still smirking, and Fury leaned back in his (rather comfortable) desk chair. Once he was sure she was out of earshot, he opened Galaga again. A voice startled him and his high score plummeted. Hill's voice was calling from the hallway.

"Next time, mute the sound effects!"

Not bad advice, considering.

* * *

**A/N: Poor Fury. Not his fault Clint and Peter are accidental idiots. Ergh. I had to get braces on (again, unfortunately), and hoo boy! I'm kind of just slumping around on a Tylenol-fueled writing spree while I wait for my teeth to want to eat real food, lol. Anyone else relate? XD Anyways, thanks for reading, pls review, etc., and I'll see you next time! Adios :) **


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